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How to sound like shit
A guitarist's guide to playing like a wanker

I've not had a good old rant about music for a while so let me get a few things off my chest. Here's a bulleted list of everything I can think of right now that pisses me off about guitarists and their never-ending quest for "the perfect guitar".

  • Tone controls. Seriously, fuck tone controls on guitars, they are fucking worthless. Maybe they had some use in 1948 when you had a Fender Esquire with one pickup and a band with no bass player and you had to emulate a bass sound by rolling off the treble frequencies but for fuck's sake it's the 21st century now and I don't need a shitty little £0.02 capacitor to make my guitar sound like I'm playing underneath a wet mattress. Tone controls load the pickups, your guitar will sound better played flat out with the tone shaped in the amplifier after at least one preamp section. Fuck tone controls.
  • Semi acoustic guitars. Just fuck off.
  • "Relic" finishes. Otherwise known as "road worn". I mean, what is the fucking point? All I can assume here is they;re aimed at guitarists who never do gigs so they can sit in their bedrooms pretending they own a beat-up strat. Fuck off road-worn, take your guitar on the road if you want to knacker up the finish. Took me one gig to chip my strat.
  • Seven (or eight) string guitars. Again, fuck off. Guitars have six strings or twelve strings, if you need more then you're a wanker.
  • Altered tunings. Waste of fucking time. Oh boohoo, the strings are too tight in standard tuning, tough shit, learn to play better. Guitars are tuned EADGBE, anything else is just a colossal arseache when you need to retune on stage and slide guitar sounds better in standard tuning. Yes, it's more difficult than open tuned slide but fuck off and learn to play properly.
  • Tremolo systems. Lock the fucker down and forget it ever existed.
  • Humbuckers. That's right, fuck humbuckers. They sound like shit. The only reason play humbucking guitars is because they can't play well enough to get good sounds from single coils. So they turn the amp into saturated distortion and pretend that's "a great tone". It isn't and you're a wanker if you think it is.

Moose Mansions - back from the dead
Party like it's 1997

Back in the dark days of the internet before broadband existed and when no one even knew what goatse was, there was a strange site called Moose Mansions. It was even hosted on Freeserve, that's how far back into internet history I'm talking here. In those terrible times before b3ta and rathergood and all those other unfunny sites, Moose Mansions was the only genuine source of original british internet humour anywhere in "cyberspace". I hate that word by the way.

But the mills of God grind slow and true and Moose Mansions went the way of all things - abandoned by its author, left to rot in an unupdated state until it slowly withered away and drifted off into the lost lands of deleted websites. Well listen up motherfuckers, Moose Mansions is back and you need to go there immediately. If only to find out where I steal all my best ideas from. Oh what a giveaway.

Anyway, go there now. Moose Mansions ladies and gentlemen. A piece of authentic internet history there. May it live forever.

That's all folks
Messageboard closed

Sorry, I'm not running the messageboard any more.

It's taken up too much of my time, effort and money and for various reasons I'm just not enjoying it any more. Today was the last nail in the coffin. I'll do something else with the site but I'm afraid it will not involve a messageboard.


Never mind that shit, the board was too fucking good to let Real Life™ get in the way of a bit of online shitcuntery. The very lovely Captain Hood-Butter is now modding the board, I'll be there less frequently for a few weeks but we're back online as of right now.

Enter it this time you shits. Do it for SSG.


It's the very lovely SirSandGoblin's birthday on Saturday. And his dog likes eating pigs' ears. So here's the deal.

Draw a picture of SSG's dog and/or SSG eating pigs' ears and post it on the board. Before saturday. Your reward will be, oh I don't bloody know, having your name displayed in purple on the board for a fortnight. Or until I get bored of looking at it. Or forever if I can't be arsed changing things.

Do it for SSG. You know you want to.


UPDATE: Thanks to everyone for entering - all your work is on display in the gallery right here.

See, it wasn't all a waste of time

After an overwhelming response of one entry to the Mr Brain's Pork Faggots competition, we are pleased to report that the winner is goodboard stalwart some_cunt who hotwired and stole a car before trekking across three continents in search of the mystical meat by-products. The evidence is pictured here.


Well done, mister some_cunt. A grateful nation salutes you. Enjoy your faggots.

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