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Well I've just spunked away a shitload of cash on useless eBay shit and I've got £1.21 left in my account so I'm announcing Kinetic North's FIRST EVER CASH PRIZE COMPETITION!

To win a fabulous and possibly life-changing prize of £1.21, here's what you need to do. Go to your supermarket freezer section and take a photograph of yourself holding as many packets of Mr Brain's Pork Faggots as you can possibly hold. The winner will be the person holding the largest number of packets. In the event of a tie, style marks will be awarded. Or you can make up a poem about Mr Brain's Pork Faggots.

Overseas entrants may substitute Don Limpio all-surface cleaner. Frank's decision is final. Competition closes 15th of May 2010. You're all cunts if you don't enter.

Email your entries to frank at kineticblah dot blah or something, I stopped caring halfway through typing this.

OK THEN, IF YOU CAN'T GET MR BRAIN'S PORK FAGGOTS (IN A RICH WEST COUNTRY SAUCE) THEN SUBSTITUTE THE MOST AMUSINGLY-TITLED LOW QUALITY MEAT PRODUCT YOU CAN FIND.