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I've not had a good old rant about music for a while so let me get a few things off my chest. Here's a bulleted list of everything I can think of right now that pisses me off about guitarists and their never-ending quest for "the perfect guitar".

  • Tone controls. Seriously, fuck tone controls on guitars, they are fucking worthless. Maybe they had some use in 1948 when you had a Fender Esquire with one pickup and a band with no bass player and you had to emulate a bass sound by rolling off the treble frequencies but for fuck's sake it's the 21st century now and I don't need a shitty little £0.02 capacitor to make my guitar sound like I'm playing underneath a wet mattress. Tone controls load the pickups, your guitar will sound better played flat out with the tone shaped in the amplifier after at least one preamp section. Fuck tone controls.
  • Semi acoustic guitars. Just fuck off.
  • "Relic" finishes. Otherwise known as "road worn". I mean, what is the fucking point? All I can assume here is they;re aimed at guitarists who never do gigs so they can sit in their bedrooms pretending they own a beat-up strat. Fuck off road-worn, take your guitar on the road if you want to knacker up the finish. Took me one gig to chip my strat.
  • Seven (or eight) string guitars. Again, fuck off. Guitars have six strings or twelve strings, if you need more then you're a wanker.
  • Altered tunings. Waste of fucking time. Oh boohoo, the strings are too tight in standard tuning, tough shit, learn to play better. Guitars are tuned EADGBE, anything else is just a colossal arseache when you need to retune on stage and slide guitar sounds better in standard tuning. Yes, it's more difficult than open tuned slide but fuck off and learn to play properly.
  • Tremolo systems. Lock the fucker down and forget it ever existed.
  • Humbuckers. That's right, fuck humbuckers. They sound like shit. The only reason play humbucking guitars is because they can't play well enough to get good sounds from single coils. So they turn the amp into saturated distortion and pretend that's "a great tone". It isn't and you're a wanker if you think it is.